Thursday, April 5, 2012

God opened a door...

I know I just began blogging today, but the release from talking (errr typing) about it actually made me feel better. I find myself back here to help sort out more feelings. The kids are in bed finally and my husband is asleep as well. As I mentioned the last few days and weeks have been stressful to say the least. Tonight as I find myself in the living room alone doing homework I cannot stop my mind from running enough to concentrate on my assignments. It amazes me that I can come here and type for an hour and when I sign on for school I just stare at the screen. 

    The reason that I am brought back is because I feel the need to share that I feel like I am being heard for once. This morning started strange...very strange. I heard my oldest son around in the living room and kitchen and just as I was about to hop outta bed I heard my husband in the kitchen talking to him. This is rare. I get up with the kids in the morning, every morning. Mike does not sleep well at night and usually does not fall asleep until around 6 or so. When I heard him in the kitchen @ 8:30 I was a bit alarmed. I thought I had somehow overslept or I was dreaming. I sat up in bed and listened to my husband talk to my son about school and his brother's upcoming birthday. I decide to get out of bed and see what is happening in the world that this is taking place. I walk into the kitchen to make coffee and my son tells me that I look sick and I should go back to bed LOL Great, Good morning to you too! 

     I did not say anything to Mike about getting up with the kids but I was puzzled. After I was finally awake enough to think clearly I began doing all the things I had planned for the day. Mike went to bed (10 am) I was on the phone with the TSGLI ppl. I called the VA to set up a dental appointment for Mike. I set up an appointment at the dentist for the kids. I called my school about my pell grants that they somehow did not award me this semester. I emailed his AW2 advocate to thank her for the information on ptsd and tbi and the great business card holder she sent :) 

     Finally I called the woman who is supposed to be helping me with the caregiver program and she answered the phone which is a miracle in itself. However now I kind of wish she hadn't. I told her that Mike has an appointment this coming Monday and that she can send whatever information she needs filled out over to his doctor at the clinic. She informs me that my application will have to be denied because it has been more than 90 days since I applied and I need to start over. Really??? Really lady? Clearly she does not know that I have spent the last 4 days with very little sleep, my 2 year old putting stains on our new couches the day after we bring them home, my front bumper being cracked on the bridge from a flying piece of wood and I am running on low patience. She did not know. I tried to remain calm as my insides told me to scream and cuss at the phone. I didn't, I hung up. Then I cried.

     I went in the bathroom and sat on the counter and just cried. After I cried for a while I stopped and asked god to give me a break. I need a break. I need help. There is so much going on in my life right now that I just need a break. I asked god to give me some hope. I thanked him for everything I have in my family and although I did not want to seem ungrateful for all that I do have, I had to ask him to place something or someone in my life that can help me....and little did I know, he was listening. 

     I got myself together and came out of the bathroom and made lunch for the kids. We ate lunch and then I had them clean up the living room they had somehow destroyed while I took my bathroom break to cry. My brother showed up with my niece and I almost did not answer the door. I am having a mental break down and now I will add a sassy 6 year old to the mix. (I love my niece btw) The kids played for a while longer and kept coming back to me to ask for candy, to ask to color, candy now? , ice cream? time for dinner?  I gave in and began to cook dinner because their questions were never going to stop. While cooking dinner they came in the kitchen with every question in the book and drove me nuts. I walked to my bedroom and opened the door. I looked at my husband and I was ready to scream. I was ready to tell him that I need another parent here to help me with the kids WE created. I was ready to go crazy and for some reason I just turned around, took a breath and walked away. After dinner was baths and then bed for the kids. 

     I sat down and called my mom. I wanted to tell her of my problems and how I needed help because I am so overwhelmed yet after a minute or so of talking to her, I hear my husband call my name. I hang up with my mom and go into our room. I stood in the door way and asked him what he wanted and he held his arms out to me. I was ready to fight, I was mad and ready to scream and then...he held his arms out to me. I laid on the bed next to him and he asked me what was wrong. I just shook my head and tried not to cry. I could not even talk. He asked again and I was still quiet. I knew that I could not talk without crying. After another minute or so I told him that I am completely overwhelmed. I told him about the lady at the caregiver program denying my application and telling me to reapply. I told him that after all I do for him and our kids, for me to get denied for this just broke me. I told him that I have lost my motivation and I am ready to leave. I told him that I wanted to walk out the front door and get in the truck and leave but I was not sure that the kids would be okay and that is why I stayed. I just broke down. After nearly five years of being strong (for the most part) all of the things that I deal with on a daily basis have completely overwhelmed me. I am not happy. I am mean to the kids and find myself yelling at them for the smallest things. When I see my husband in the bed sleeping or just laying there while I am doing laundry, picking up the house, chasing after the kids, carrying the groceries inside, cooking meals and every other thing I do in life without him...I want to scream. 

     Then....for the first time ever, he told me thank you. He told me that everything is going to be alright. He said that our future is bright and we have great things coming to us. He told me that he realizes that his friend died in Iraq so he did not have to and although he was injured he is realizing that he needs to live his life. He told me that I am an amazing mom and he knows that I need a break because I do so much. Probably the best thing he told me was that he does not think that I am crazy, he knows that I am overwhelmed and stressed and he understands. He said he wants to help. HELP? 
    No one can convince me that god did not listen to my prayer in the bathroom earlier today. My husband has not said anything comparable to what he said to me tonight since his injury. He told me that he was going to take his sleeping meds so he will go right back to sleep so he can be up tomorrow because he wants to spend time with the family. I have to give him credit, he took the first step. I am not going to concentrate on all the things that are going wrong right now, I am going to bed to look forward to tomorrow. I cannot wait to spend the day with all three of my boys. :) 

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