These last few weeks have been more stressful for me than the last 5 years have been. Everything is beginning to hit me and it is coming down hard! Daily life can be a struggle and it seems like no one understands. Ever since the day I arrived at Walter Reed I have been taking care of Mike 24/7. After I got over the initial shock of his injury, I thought we would resume our "normal" life. Boy was I wrong!! Nothing about our life is normal anymore. Sometimes I hate that I too lost my innocent view of the world. Mike has changed dramatically since his injury and not just physically. He has a gun within reach every place he is or will be. He is super sensitive to any loud noises or sudden movements. Our house is now a fort and he will protect it at all cost. I can say I am more scared FOR the person who does try to come inside our "perimeter" than I am scare OF them.
The biggest problem I am facing lately is that our boys are growing up so fast and they are realizing that our "daddy" is not like other dads and that our family is not normal. As we sat down for dinner last night, my oldest son asks me if daddy was coming to eat his favorite dinner and although I already knew the answer in my heart I told him to go into the bedroom and ask him. The look on my son's face when he came back into the kitchen hurt my heart as he says, "daddy isn't coming". Of course I change the subject and tell him that we should make cookies after dinner to cheer him up. Mike will not eat in the kitchen because in his mind it is not secure. There is a large window right next to the table and he will not put himself in a position where he does not have the upper hand. The same goes for the living room. There have been times where I have brought the entire family into the bedroom and ate on the bed so we could be a family, but I cannot put my kids in that type of routine often. I feel like the road we are traveling is splitting and Mike is stuck on the side of the road as we travel by him. Oh how I wish I could refuel him and have him join us again. I miss my family. I miss my husband. My kids miss their dad...and I thought it was getting better